


Left

by Rutree



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Aphasia, Brain Damage, Gen, Hospitalization, M/M, Neglect, Paralysis, Temporary Amnesia, restricted vision
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-09-12 03:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9053983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rutree/pseuds/Rutree
Summary: It had started a couple of days ago with just a few tiny black spots in his field of vision.Little did he know it became worse over the days.Josh encounters difficulties with his vision whilst performing and that stupid headache won't disappear.Inspired by the film 'Left'





	1. Left

_Sometimes you’ve got to bleed to know, that you’re alive and_

“Shit”

I nearly missed the hi-hat. I didn’t see anything strange but the blow just sounded a bit off. When I say I didn’t see anything, I literally mean I didn’t see it. There’s this some sort of weird black spot in the left corner of my left-eye vision. It doesn’t bother me during the day, but whilst performing the left part of my drum kit is out of vision and clearly affecting my performance. Luckily Tyler hasn’t noticed yet. Otherwise he would get worried and I don’t want him to panic, especially not whilst performing on stage.

It began a couple of days ago. It had started with just a few tiny black spots in my field of vision when I stood up too quickly. I didn’t look into it too deeply, just my brain not getting enough blood and oxygen. The spots disappeared after a while and I forgot about it. The next day however, there was a black spot when I woke up. Not really prominent, but still big enough to disturb my vision. I still didn’t think that much of it, I thought it was linked with my exhaustion from touring. Although I became concerned when the spot didn’t disappear and became even bigger over the next couple of days. That damn spot wasn’t even the worst actually, it was the throbbing headache that appeared and disappeared throughout the day which made focussing and relaxing nearly impossible.

It’s a miracle Tyler doesn’t know anything about it yet, Mark in the meantime sends me worried looks throughout the day and tries to talk with me whilst I try my hardest to avoid that inevitable conversation. I just don’t want them to worry about me. I’m fine. Tyler is the one who needs people to worry about, not me. I’m the strong one, or at least I’m supposed to be the strong one. Tyler would collapse if I wasn’t strong for him, he needs someone to rely on and in all these years I have become the only one who can do that, he doesn’t trust any other person with his deepest secrets and hidden fears. He’s scared people will use it against him or he will lose his purpose. I won’t let that happen so I’ll have to stay strong. On the other hand, being truthful has always been an important part in our relation. We’ve sworn to never lie to eachother and tell each other everything to prevent any accidents we would regret later.

Anyway, this headache is really killing me. I think I should tell Tyler, he can help or at least he’ll know what to do. I just have to make it through this show and then I can tell it afterwards. I already feel the knot forming in my stomach because Tyler will be mad and maybe even angry at first for not telling him earlier, then he’ll be worried and concerned, I’ll try to calm him down but he might even go into a panic attack because of his overthinking. So you might say I’m not really looking forward to spilling the truth. 

Whilst I was busy with my inner monologue ‘Holding onto you’ had started playing and as we are nearing the ‘lean with it, rock with it’ part, I’m dreading standing up for the backflip more and more because I can predict my headache will step up its game even more. Sitting is fine, the banging of the drums covers the pounding of the headache. Standing up, however, would mean an alteration in the pressure on my head and even emphasize the stinging headache.

Tyler stands up from the piano and walks to the front of the stage whilst singing. Well, here we go. I stand up and the pain shoots through my head as if a dagger is being stabbed in my temple. I tightly shut my eyes, I have to bite through this. I jump off my platform and regret the change of height immediately, it’s a short relieve of the pressure to my head but as soon as my feet hit the ground, the pain thuds through my body and the pain increases even more. I need to bite through the pain. The crowd can’t notice, the crew can’t notice, Tyler can’t notice. I try to act as if nothing’s wrong and walk –as best as I can- in a straight line towards the piano. It’s only a few steps but God that throbbing headache is killi- Shit. I only notice now my left-eye vision is completely gone, which will make estimating depth and jumping on the piano quite a challenge. Maybe my body will do it some sort of automatically after all those backflips in past gigs. Well, at least I hope so. Luckily I made it to the piano. I lay both hands on the surface, feeling the worn out and softened wood calms me a little. In an attempt to prepare for my jump I close my eyes and try to let my body take over my mind. As I feel my headache fade away I bend my knees and-  
As i jump on te piano the world starts spinning and I perceive everything in slowmotion. The next thing I know is that my vision is shifting and I roll too much to the left to remain in balance. I feel myself falling from the piano and my vision becomes hazy as I hit the ground. The only thing I hear is the blood pulsing through my head, but slowly the sounds fade back into my brain. They remain distant and everything sounds very eerie as if there’s a glass wall between me and the rest of the world. I hear a familiar voice shouting my name in distress. As I let the throbbing headache take over I close my eyes. Tyler’s panicked face is the last thing I see before I black out.


	2. Not right

Brain damage in his right hemisphere. 

Caused by an unnoticed stroke, most likely happened during his sleep.  
According to the doctor we may consider ourselves lucky he’s still alive. 

My thoughts start to wander as I sit on the most uncomfortable chair ever. In hindsight I’ve noticed some of the symptoms, like him having to stand still for a moment after standing up and him wincing after a sudden movement like he had the biggest migraine ever possible. I should’ve asked him about it, not just assume he would come to me after our promise. I could’ve helped him or at least take him to a doctor. If I had done that, we wouldn’t be at the hospital now. We would be at our hotel, lying in bed after having played an awesome show, but instead Josh is lying in a hospitalbed now and I sit beside him. 

According to the doctor there had been an leaking vessel in his head. The bleeding hadn’t stopped so the blood couldn’t get away which caused an oppression in the vision part of his brain and restricted his sight, the pressure of the accumulating blood inevitably caused a headache as well. 

During our performance the vessel had been ripped open further and because of the bleeding his brain didn’t get enough oxygen, this in combination the pain caused him to black out.

As I try to listen to the doctor, I look over to Josh. He looks happy, totally oblivious to all his surroundings. The things that gives away something’s wrong is his drooping left corner of his mouth. 

“as far as we know the whole left side of his body is paralized. This can be improved with exercises when we get a sign that movement is still possible.” The doctor says with a hopeful but sad face. “When he fell, he landed on his head” The doctor continues “So besides the stroke, that can be the cause of amnesia, he will be tired very quickly and his speech may not be what it was, he can respond but we don’t know about the more complicated structures.” I look at Josh, he’s just lying there, as if nothing’s wrong. My eyes start to wander around the room, everything is so plain in here. I can imagine if you woke up in here with an amnesia you might think you were dead or something. 

“It is most likely there are more complications which we’ll yet have to discover over the days.”

I glance at Josh, it looks like he zoned out again.

“Anyway, I think that’s it for now, I’ll leave you two alone now. Just press the button when you need me.” 

“Thank you” I say.

“Thanks” I hear Josh mumble as the doctor leaves. Josh looks around the room, searching for something. He clearly can’t find it because his expression becomes disappointed.

I stand up walk around the bed to the right side so I can hold Josh’s hand with him actually feeling it and it not being uncomfortable for both of us. As I sit down and glance up Josh looks at me with a confused expression. Even scared maybe.

“W-why did you come back?” Josh stammers a bit troubled because of his hanging mouth corner. I look at him with a puzzled face. “W-where did you come from. How d-did you get here.” He asks panicked, noticing I do not understand him.  
“How long have you been h-here?” His tone is cautious now.

“Josh, what are you talking about? I’ve been here since you came out of surge-“

“But you just left through the door! How did you do that!” Josh asks with a panicked voice.

“Sssh Josh it’s okay” I say as I caress his cheek. “It’s probably your concussion, everything is all right.”

“But you left a-and now you’re here! You’re _clocks_ It’s not right”

“Josh what do you mean, clocks? What are you talking about?”

“Y-you just left through the door, but now you sit beside me. That’s not possible.” Josh says a bit calmer now.

“I think you just confused the doctor with me or something, he just left. I’ve been here the whole time, I wouldn’t even dare to leave you.” I say, Josh still doesn’t look content with my answer. 

“Anyway, I bet you are hungry.” I continue. “you’ve not even finished your meal the nurse brought a couple of hours ago. Do you want to finish it? Or should I get some cereal or I can even go to Taco Bell for you.” Figuring the hospital food isn’t that tasteful so that’s probably the reason why he didn’t empty his plate.

“What are you talking about, I finished it immediately.” Josh says indignant.

“No you didn’t” I reply as I grab his plate and walk over to the bed and place it in front of him. He looks at me quizzically as I sit down again.

“I did. Look it’s empty.” Josh says gesturing to the half full plate. Is he joking? The right side of his plate is indeed completely emptied, on the left side, however, is the rice meal or whatever-it’s-supposed-to-be still on this plate.

Something starts to dawn on me.

“Okay...” I say “Let’s try this.” I stand up and look at Josh as I turn the plate 180 degrees, so the left side is now on the right side. Josh looks stubborn at me, then looks at the plate. 

“What the fu- H-how did you do that.” He stammers. 

“Same way as I walked through the door and reappeared next to you. Did I forget to tell you? I’m a wizard.” I jokingly say.

“No but seriously, how?”

“Josh, it’s fine. Just finish your food and we can watch a movie or just snuggle.”

He shrugs, takes a big spoonful with a bit of difficulties because of his paralized left side and makes instantly the most disgusted face ever. “Ugh, it wasn’t bearable before, but now it’s cold as well.” He says pouting. 

I chuckle. “How about, you take three more bites and I’ll bring Taco Bell next time?”

“Deal” He says.

God may know how I’m going to smuggle it in here, but that isn’t the thing that worries me the most. Did he really not see the food on his plate? And what was that thing he confused me with the doctor, I mean he was convinced I had left. 

Something’s not right.


	3. Link

“We’ve taken a look at the scans again and like we said before, you’ve suffered a stroke which has caused brain damage in your right hemisphere” ~~Tyler~~ The nurse says. We’re sitting in the doctor’s office. Tyler’s sitting next to me and the Tyler-look-a-like nurse is sitting opposite us. “Your left side was paralized, but luckely you’ve recovered from that over the last few days.” Tyler proudly grabs my hand at that and squeezes as he smiles at me, I squeeze back and return the smile to assure him it still works. 

“Your motoric skills still aren’t what they used to be” The nurse continues “but you’re still improving so we think everything will be allright on that part. Also, any symptoms of amnesia have disappeared as well. However, your brain is still injured.”

“Oh. Is that’s why all those pictures look the same?” I gesture towards the computer screen which displays my scans.

“No, that’s because they’re all pictures of your brain” The nurse replys dryly. I look at Tyler on my right to make sure he’s still there and to check that the nurse still looks exactly like him. He does.

“But it is the reason we meet each other over and over again right” I ask him.

“Well, yes.” The nurse looks at me oddly. “It is possible you have an injury in the part of your brain that distinguishes people, which results in seeing the same person, I assume in your case Tyler, in various people.” I nod. Still not understanding it completely, but it makes sense I guess.

“Josh, do you see me?” I hear the doctor say. 

I shake my head “No”

The doctor rolls his chair over to the nurse.

“This indicates a neglect on the left-side as well.” 

“A what?” Tyler, the _real_ Tyler asks.

“He doesn’t see left.” The nurse says to Tyler.

“Yes, I do” I interrupt. “I see everything” 

“You see everything with both eyes, but only the right side.” The doctor sighs.

“I see everything.” I say. I lift my hand to my right eye, then move it to the left one to show him there’s no difference in my peripheral vision. “No difference”

“But you didn’t see me just now” The doctor says. 

“No, but that’s because you were outside my field of vision. I mean, you can’t see who is standing behind you right now, right.” 

The doctor and the nurse both glance over their shoulders. I awkwardly look at Tyler, are they really that stupid?

“And the weird words?” Tyler chimes in, preventing a silence that would be even more awkward.

“Most likely aphasia” The doctor answers as a matter of fact. “He ‘says’ things correctly in his head and is convinced he says them aloud correctly, but somewhere between his brain and his mouth things go wrong and his words don’t come out of his mouth like they’re supposed to be.” 

“And recovery?” Tyler asks with a small voice.

“We are uncertain about the extent of the injury, if it’s small enough it should be able to recover. However, even in that case there might still be some traces of the injury in his everyday life.” The nurse explains. “The neglect can be improved gradually, but will never disappear completely, therefore the treatment consists of a lot of excersises which will for example train to explore a room efficiently without missing the important bits. We will also teach him certain tricks and traits to, for example, make sure he eats his whole plate and not just the right side. For the aphasia we will do a lot of speech therapy and hope for the best.”

“What about me seeing Tyler everywhere?” The nurse sends the doctor a questioning look, clearly not knowing it either.

“We don’t really know.” The doctor sighs. “It is a very rare condition and a proper treatment isn’t determined yet.” I hear Tyler’s breath stock in his throat, I squeeze his hand reassuringly. “What we can do, however, is therapy where we can discover what triggers your brain in seeing Tyler in someone, or learning you to make sure Tyler is really Tyler when you aren’t sure.” I nod in response.

“I think that was it for now.” The doctor finishes. “Do you have any more questions at the moment?”

“Not really, actually.” Tyler answers as I shake my head.

“That’s okay, if any pops up, just knock on my door.”

“Thank you.” Tyler says as he stands up from his chair.

“Take care.” The nurse says. 

“Thanks” I mumble to him as I check whether he still looks like Tyler. He does.

“Oh and Tyler” The doctor says. “You too.”

“Thanks” Tyler smiles back. 

 

 

“So” I say. We’re back in my room again, Tyler’s sitting in my bed and I’m snuggled up into his side. 

“I can’t say what I want to say without me knowing it.” I start to sum up. “I can’t see left which results in me only seeing the b-rightside of life.” Tyler chuckles at my pun. “And I see you everywhere. I mean, things aren’t that bad, especially the last part to be honest.” Tyler laughs at that and plants a kiss to my forehead.

“You’re sweet” 

It makes me smile, but not for long.

“Hey, you okay?” Tyler asks as he sees my smile fade.

“Uhm, well, I-I’m ju-” 

“Josh you can tell me, it’s okay, remember our promise?”

“I-it’s just weird okay”

“What is? What is weird?”

“That I’m fucking seeing two of you, or actually even more. I mean you’re Tyler.” I look him in the eye as I press my finger in his chest. “But that nurse looks like you as well, more often than not do I genuine think he is you and there are even more people who look exactly like you now.” I feel the tears starting to cloud my vision. Tyler in response holds me even closer to my chest, letting out hushing and comforting sounds whilst running his fingers through my hair. 

“How do I know it’s you when I simply can’t tell all of you apart.” I stammer out between sobs. “I don’t want to spill my guts to a random stranger.” I let out a shallow breath. “O-or what if it gets worse, what if I won’t be able to recognise you anymore. What then?” I choke out.

“Hey, shh. It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay.” Tyler hushes as he rocks me back and forth. “The last bit won’t happen, it’ll only get better, not worse. I promise.” He starts tracing my tattoo with his finger as he continues to comfort me. It’s soothing. “And about the first part, what if we make some sort of password, a sentence or a couple of words nobody else knows about and you can ask me those and when I say them, you know it’s me. Does that sounds like a plan?” 

I take a moment to take it all in. It does sound good. I nod in response.

“So it’s like a link?” I ask. “As in it connects us, like a bond.” 

Tyler looks at me, his face scrunched up in thought.

“I-it didn’t come out correctly, right? M-my aphasia. I-I fucked up again, right?”

“Oh no! Not at all.” Tyler hugs me tighter. “You just worded it better than I did and I was taken aback by it.” He explains. “But, that’s good. Do you have any ideas for a link? It can be anything really.” 

I take a moment to think and take in Tyler’s scent.

“Life has a hopeful undertone.” I say after a while.

Tyler is silent for a moment. “That’s a really nice one actually. I like it.” 

I glance at the clock and sigh. We’ll be heading off for therapy soon, I realise as I snuggle further into Tyler’s arms, but he’s having none of it.

“Come on mister B-rightside.” Tyler says as he tries to stand up. “Gotta be down.” Tyler continues, anticipating on his pun as he starts to tickle me.

“Don’t you dare to quote friggin The Killers lyrics on me.” I squeal in an attempt to stop him.

“Hey! You started it with your brightside of life. Don’t blame me.” 

“Okay, okay. I give in. I surrender” I shriek, not able to endure any more torture in the form of tickles. I crawl out of bed and hop over into the wheelchair. Tyler rolls me out of the room and as we’re heading off to therapy, making even more lyric-related puns.


	4. Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Maisie for moving my butt out of bed to continue writing this. I love and appreciate you. I’ve added a cheeky lil chap at the end so enjoy! Next chapter will be the final one.

“Okay, we’re going to discover what you see and what you don’t. After which we can make a treatment plan” The therapist explains to an off-looking Josh as he sits down behind his desk. We didn’t have the best start of the day this morning. He had woken up and his aphasia was a bit worse than the days before. The doctor had said it could happen, especially when the recovery went so fast. However, I tried my hardest to understand what Josh was saying but it all came out of his mouth in a jumbled way. It resulted in Josh getting frustrated and his speech getting even more mixed up, which was just like oil to the fire as he got angry. I couldn’t see him like that any longer so I just pulled him in my lap and embraced him in an attempt to calm him down to which he just broke down in tears. 

After a couple minutes his sobs had come out less frequently and we agreed on taking a shower to give the day a fresh start. Luckily he had completely woken up afterwards and the aphasia had subsided. He then explained he felt a lot of pressure which had been quite graphically displayed in his dream and so he had woken up in a panicky state. I had been afraid the pressure he felt had come from me, but we came to the conclusion it was mostly the pressure he put on himself. The only short-term solution I could come up with was to kiss his worries away, which I think helped. Brendon called me after a while, asking if he could come to visit. Josh had heard him and nodded assenting. So he would come this afternoon.

The therapist points his two index fingers to the ceiling. He wiggles his left one, for Josh on the right. Josh points at it. The therapist wiggles his right one. Josh points at it. I let out a relieved breath. It proves he still can see left. The therapist wiggles both fingers now, I hold my breath and wait in anticipation. Josh points at the left finger. Only the left finger. I try my best to conceal my disappointment. Luckily Josh doesn’t notice because he’s already focussed on the next task: a line is drawn and he has to set the middle. He lets his finger wander over the line exploringly, after a while he settles it halfway on the right part of the line. Completely ignoring the left-side. 

“Okay” The therapist says. “I’ve got one more thing for you in store. I want you to draw a tree and if you’re up for it, a house. You can make it as detailed as you want.”

Josh sighs tiredly but complies and grabs a pencil. 

After a couple of minutes Josh holds his drawing proudly up in the air.

I’m simply amazed as it shows how he sees –or doesn’t see- the world.

“I would like to end for today with this masterpiece.” The therapist says with a smile, not letting Josh know half of the drawing is missing.

 

When we got back from therapy we cuddled for a while, with Josh almost nodding off every once in a while until I got a text from Brendon saying he was downstairs and didn’t have a clue where to find Josh’s room.

It doesn’t take me long to find Brendon in the main entrance hall as he looks so obviously lost, trying to talk to the women behind the help desk.

“Hey Bren-”

“Thank god you’re here, if I don’t even know what Josh’s room is, how am I supposed to find it.” He exclaims, after which he lets out an annoyed sigh as I chuckle at his frustration.

“It’s just through the doors over there, up two flights of stairs or you can take the elevator which I would not recommend if you want to avoid awkward silences. Anyway, if you’ve done that correctly you should be able to find yourself at the ‘neurological trauma and recovery’ ward after which you only have to find the gorgeous boy with bright colored hair. Or just look for room G3 as you’re head over heels with tree trunk Weekes and you may not have eye for other gorgeous boys.” I say with a smirk.

“Oh just shut up.” 

“Aww you’re blushing!” I exclaim. “But anyway, I hope you’ve listened well because I’m going to buy myself and my wonderful boy a coffee and if I’m up for it, for you as well and that means you can find Josh all by yourself. I believe in you. See you later!” I say with a smile and as I hear Brendon starting to protest, I just hurry my butt away.

 

When I walk back into the room Brendon is sitting on the edge of the bed and he and Josh are clearly in an elaborate conversation. I try to close the door as quiet as possible, but fail -what do you expect when I have to juggle with three cups of coffee- and both Brendon and Josh look up. 

“Hey guys, sorry for interrupting your probably marvellous conversation, but I brought coff- Josh?”

Josh looks confused at Brendon. “Tyler?” He asks Brendon doubtingly.

“No honey, I’m here. That's brendon. I’m Tyler.” I say, feeling my chest tighten.

“But I’ve just been talking to Tyler. My Tyler. Brendon would come this afternoon, you’re Brendon.” He says pointing at me. “You, Tyler” Josh now gestures at Brendon. “have been here all day... I-I don’t understand” I see tears starting to form in Josh’s eyes, he must be so confused.

“Oh no honey” I say as I walk over to Josh and take his hands in mine. “Look at me. Life has a hopeful undertone.” I whisper.

His face pales. 

“HOW DARE YOU NOT SAYING ANYTHING TO ME” He screams at brendon while tears spill form his eyes. “I THOUGHT YOU-you were tyler. His breaking voice gives me a lump in my throat. I glance at Brendon, he looks very upset as well, but Josh keeps on crying and ranting.

“Why d-did you do this to me, how d-dare you. I-I thought you were a friend Brendon.”

“Sh sh Josh, it’s okay. Nothing bad happened.” I whisper as I try to calm him and his confused brain.

“Yeah, Josh listen to me.” A recovered Brendon tries. “We’ve only been talking about music and touring and our addicting fidget toys we enjoy so much. We didn’t talk about anything I didn’t already know or wasn’t supposed to know.” Josh’s tears have lessened and he’s calming down. “I understand it sucks you thought you were talking to Tyler, but you didn’t say anything you wouldn’t have been comfortable to share with me. It’s okay.”

“Say it again.” Josh mumbles with his eyes closed.

“It’s okay...?” 

“No. Not you, you moron. _The_ Tyler. _My_ Tyler. Say it again.” He says with his eyes still closed. 

“I haven’t got the faintest ide- Oh wait.” I take in a deep breath. “Life has a hopefull undertone.” I whisper

When the last word leaves my lips, Josh opens his eyes to look directly into mine and starts crying again. 

“I-I love you.” He whispers back. To which I can only respond with wiping away his tears and kissing him on the lips.

Somewhere in the background I hear a not so muffled squeal erupting from Brendon’s lips after which I hear him taking a picture and probably even sending it to Dallon.

 

The fucker.

 

 

 

_Couple of days later_

I walk into the room as Josh is busy with therapy. Today’s focus is on reading and the therapist has come up with some new training as there isn’t a ‘neglect-treatment-plan’. She has stalled out all sorts of P.E. equipment along some route through the training space: colorful hoops, cones, tennis balls, ropes, frisbees, some baseball bats and even more stuff. Josh is standing in the middle with a shopping list and a basket already halfway filled.

“Two.......Ping...Ping-pong..... balls.” Josh reads aloud and starts looking around the room.

“Ah-ah, start at the red line, remember.” The therapist says. Josh looks down at his list and starts again, but now with his finger at the start of the sentence. 

“...T-Twelve......Ping-pong balls. Slight difference.” Josh chuckles and starts looking around the room again. The box filled with the small orange balls stands left from him, but of course he doesn’t see them. I want to help him and almost speak up, but then I see the therapist gesturing to stay put. She’s right, he needs to be able to cope on his own. I look at Josh again and I see him now slowly turning clockwise around, taking in his surroundings as he does so. Making sure he doesn’t miss a thing and remembering everything he’s already seen.

“Very good Josh, well done. Good use of the turning.” The therapist says as he has almost turned around 360 degrees and puts 12 ping-pong balls in his basket.  
“You’re learning so fast.” The therapist continues. “You’ve worked hard today, you’re done for now.” She turns to me. “I have to tidy up this whole grocery store, so if you would be so kind to walk with him to his room, I would be more than grateful. And,” She turns back to Josh. “I will see you next time. Have a nice day.”

“You too” Josh replies and takes my hand to lead the way. I follow him proudly.

 

“I’m very proud of you, you know.” I say as we’re snuggled up to each other in his bed.

Josh hums in response, but it doesn’t sound very sincere.

“I mean, I can imagine it costs a lot of effort and energy to make constantly sure you’re seeing everything and consciously remembering everything as well. Tracing everything with your finger and not just assume you’re at the end, but making sure you’re there.” Josh still doesn’t look convinced of his own abilities. “It takes some dedication to improve yourself and get better and I’m so so proud of you you’re determined to recover and you’re doing so well. Yesterday for example, do you remember when you were eating your dinner?” Josh hums.  
“You said you were finished and I only asked if you had already turned your plate. To which you took a moment to remember whether you had or hadn’t. You came to the conclusion you hadn’t and you just turned your plate and continued eating. You did all of that on your own.” 

Josh stays silent for a moment.

“Do you really mean what you just said... or are you just encouraging and consoling me after those couple of shit days?”

“I really mean what I’m saying, I always do. You’re strong, you can do this, I believe in you.  
And I hope you believe in yourself too.”

“I do. Thanks to you.”


	5. Port

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little dedication to Maisie and Jane
> 
> <3

So, I dont’t see left, although I do. It’s just incredibly confusing. At first it was just a black spot, but now it’s completely vanished. Well, that’s what people tell me. I don’t see a difference. They say my peripherial vision is just less broad. However, apparently I do see left, I just don’t register it and therefore completely neglect that side. Hence the name of a ngelct on the left side.

After my aphasia had subsided with the help of all the speech therapy and the kind doctors, I wasn’t yet allowed to leave the hospital despite it being over a month of me practically living there. The problem _-which I didn’t see as a problem-_ was that I still saw Tyler everywhere. In the beginning I could tell the real Tyler apart from the others thanks to our link, but after a while I knew the doctor and the nurses, as well as my visitors, had picked up upon the short sentence, so our secret link wasn’t as secret anymore. Which resulted in me being paranoid as hell. Now I know they wouldn’t have used it, but try to tell that to a confused Josh. 

Luckily after a while, I was able to tell people better apart and I would believe them if they said who they where when I thought they were Tyler. However, there was still one problem.

Brendon. Fucking. Urie.

We weren’t exactly sure why, but everytime I saw him my brain switched him for Tyler. And in contrast to the other people, my brain simply didn’t believe him when I was said he was Brendon. Every time it happend went along with me having a major anxiety attack -which were hellish because I didn’t trust Tyler so he couldn’t calm me down- or me being very frustrated and lashing out to Brendon, Tyler or a nurse, what in turn resulted again in a mental breakdown. It must’ve been hell for Brendon. And Tyler.

We weren’t sure what caused the confusion, but in hindsight we think it’s because all the memories shared together in combination with the dark hair and the dark eyes. Nowadays I sometimes still see Brendon as Tyler to which he will just accept it and try to focus my mind on other things so Brendon being Brendon pops up in the subconscious part of my haywire brain and I don’t see him for Tyler anymore. It took a while to figure out that tactic, but it works and it’s better than getting Tyler everytime followed by me getting incredibly confused with seeing two Tylers.

In hindsight we see the humor in the situation and Brendon still grabs every opportunity to remind me of the whole ordeal. 

So, that was some recap time. Things are better now.

We’re touring again. I would love to say everything is as it has always been, but a few adjustments have been made and are different

We didn’t change the drum set-up as I remember most of it and because it would be a pain in the ass to erase all my muscle-memory. However, we did change on stage positions. I’m stage left now and Tyler is stage right. Well, his piano is. He’s still running, jumping and falling around everywhere on stage anyways, but I can see the majority of the audience now whilst also seeing Tyler. Which is obviously the most important thing in the world.  
Some of the crew have been fired because they would share every little bump we encountered -with discovering how my life got affected- with the press, but luckily our main guys stayed true to us. I don’t even think they’ve gotten a briefing, but they understand it’s better if the way around the venue consists mostly of right-corners and if the way back signs on the wall are not on my left. I stick to the layed out paths now. It has happened a couple of times I was incredibly stubborn and started wandering around the venue on my own, which resulted in me not being able to find the way back and Tyler being stressed out even before he started singing about it on stage. The plus side to it however, were the reunifications. I won’t go into detail about those, but I’ll keep those memories incredibly close and cherish them forever.

Another thing I’ll keep close to me from now on forever, is the engraved pendant Tyler has given me. I’m not sure about the exact reason he’s given it, because there are a few. However, it makes me feel more at ease when he’s not in close proximity to me and it can keep my hands busy. Twiddling with it, letting my fingers travel over the smooth surface, fiddling with the chain. It makes it easier to let my mind wander off, although it’s very likable the brain injury plays its part in that as well. Things like a short concentration span and forgetting little details easily aren’t rare. 

“Josh? Are you ready to go?” 

Tyler. That’s Tyler. The one and only. 

I notice my heart skips a beat, obviou... Hold on. Where are we actually going, I can’t even bloody remember that.

My confusion must be readable off my face as Tyler rushes to continue.

“Hey no worries. I haven’t told you yet what we’re actually going to do. However I’m too excited to keep it a surprise so... What do you think of the three following words combined.” Anticipation written all over his face and the lights in his eyes makes me want to come with him already. “Picnic. Rooftop. Sunset.” I let out a squal in my head.

“That sounds absolutely lovely.” Is the only thing I can come up with other than a whole rumble of inconsistent words. And he knows that. And I know he thinks that’s okay.

“I know right” He says with the cheesiest grin I’ve ever seen. “I only have to grab a couple more cushions. Bloody wait for me. Don’t you dare to go on that rooftop without me because I want to see your reaction. Be right back.” And he rushes off whilst blowing a kiss.

I can’t help but smile as I twiddle with the pendant once more and let my thumb slide over the engravement.

_Life has a hopeful undertone_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
> My first ever idea. Finished.
> 
> xx

**Author's Note:**

> |-/


End file.
